I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We left the knife in your bed.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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