what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize