I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
