I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
