Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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