My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
