Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
