Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
