The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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