I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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