I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
