He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
