Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
