sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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