It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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