I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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