Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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