Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
