you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
