I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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