Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
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