I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
