I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he thought i was a dude.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
