i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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