The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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