so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
