birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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