literally had 100 drinks last night.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
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