Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
