We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
