i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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