If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
