Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
