I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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