I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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