if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
