HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
