haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
