love makes seman taste better
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
