We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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