eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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