jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
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