Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
