Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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