dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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