Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
