Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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