His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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