I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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