I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
