my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
