You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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