Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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