there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
