I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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