It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
