thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
