Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
