so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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