i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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