i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
