Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
